had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he was CRYING into my vagina
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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