its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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