dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
