So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
