when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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