Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
