So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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