Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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