This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
