Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
