last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
