Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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