Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
