I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
