the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
