im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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