I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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