something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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