Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
