Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm like, not good at living.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
