so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
