Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
