Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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