the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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