i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
