i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
