I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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