you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
