my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
