people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
