good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
its not stalking. its research.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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