You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
