mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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