Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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