...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
