Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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