I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
