here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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