It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
