apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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