update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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