i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
