Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
