You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
