Already got asked if we're dating
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Everclear isn't food dammit
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
