Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
