my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
