i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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