It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
