Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
